This site is about expressing what I love to be and do
Commitment is one of my issues, which carries over into surrender, which carries over into letting go and all the other soul destroying issues our egos sling at us to hold us back, so we can maintain status quo and feel “good”.
Well this post is about my intimate dance with darkness or my ego, and about just letting go of all my “comfort-zone” inducing mechanisms.
I have my shoes…
Surrender. Easy to write, but hard to do. Sometimes I have to fight, but often that’s not accurate. I have to have courage to face what may come my way and surrender to the experience be it good or bad.
Courage: To face the abyss of uncertainty and jump anyway!!! There are dreams I want to fulfill, but to have those dreams smashed is less terrifying to me now than never even taking the first step towards them. That really terrifies me!
Well this year I’m jumping finally, and yes, I’m scared of failing. Yep! Plain and simple, but I’m just going to jump in anyway.
Early this fall we went to Dunsborough, Margaret River and I was inspired by the many lovely boats anchored in the bay. The warm breezes and the glow of the “end of summer” was amazing!
This was my first attempt at a mix of watercolor pigments, pencils and ink. I used white ink to help with highlights in the water. I felt very passionate about capturing the serenity and glow of life that surrounded me. In the end, I’m fairly pleased, but I learned most importantly!!
I love looking back at my paintings because they remind me of what a beautiful life I live. It’s not perfect by any means, but I’m thankful (at the end of the day) for all of it!
don’t question the Government or else, don’t toboggan on public hills, walk inside the fence at St. John’s harbour (which people have been doing for over 500 years), have an abortion (the legality of which all depends on which province or country you live in), and of course as long as you DO wear Bike helmets, seat belts, etc….or ummmm, vaccinate your families against their will, submit to all medical procedures the Government deems “legal” and just for you at the moment, ummm, like maybe future micro-chipping our kids (trust them….it’ll be for your kids protection and your peace of mind), and well, as long as you allow all your freedoms to be slowly and “legally” be taken away, little by little, year by year, day by day. After all, we, as humans, didn’t evolve or survive millions of years to let it all go now, right?
So let me check, I’m pretty sure I grew up in a country that allowed me the right or the expectation of the right that I, and I alone get to decide if I want any medical procedure, Hep B, meningitis, tetanus, Ebola, chicken pox etc….or any virus, bacteria, pathogen, chemical, heavy metal injected into my blood or my body, or that of my children’s body….I did give birth to them and they are my treasures that I will die to protect!
What’s my message: Dear Canada and the world, “be careful what you demand or wish for….,” and dear media people, you have a serious responsibility in this world, so please stop spreading fear and terror to the people who can’t make informed decisions or think for themselves. Their Government and the citizens of their country are already more than happy to dumb them down and keep them under control like good little sheep without your help.
Peace, love, and hope for a kinder and more compassionate and tolerant world than the one we have currently!
PS, last I checked I still had “freedom of speech” right? Or are there laws in place to tell me (or silence me) about what I can “legally” say to the world? Anyone?
I decided today, it being a new year and everything, to finally work on my one goal: To find myself! I guess I’m not actually lost physically, but as you might have guessed from my previous posts, I’m all about the inner journey, and so my uprooted existence and reliance on others, two things that un-nerve me THE most, have forced me to look at myself and ask the hard questions (that I never thought I’d ask). What I’ve discovered is that I don’t know what I want. I’m torn in too many directions and so I’m left deciding what is or isn’t really me. I’m sure you all have felt this way at least once, maybe? Well, it’s something that has consumed me from the very first time I heard my dearest life partner “hum a tune” as he prepared to go to work each day. The happiness he felt about what he chose as a life long career threw me off kilter. Why was he so happy about work? What did he find so delightful? How could he be excited to go to work?? Of course, I realized quickly that his work was like play! He loved his trade and was thrilled at the prospect that he not only got paid to do it, but that he was allowed to do it! He was qualified to do the work he dreamed of doing and make a living to boot! How totally thrilling!!! I knew then that’s what I wanted too. I’ll return to this storyline as I continue to blog along, but long story short, I have been slowly and steadily making my way to reaching the goal of finding my “play” job, or if truth be told, my dream life since that initial spark of inspiration from Chris 17 yeas ago. I may not “hum a tune” everyday, but finally I’m getting there!!! And this year I will just be “me” and hopefully get there a whole lot faster. No more excuses and distractions, just fearlessness and being me whist humming Nelly Furtado’s ‘Forca’ daily !!
I started a journey with my partner long ago and could never have imagined where it would take me. I’ve learned that no matter what…I took it, I had no idea where it would go (still don’t), but the most important lectio, lecon, or lesson, which I have yet to master, is to not care where it’s going, only that I’m on it; the road.
Up early today, since 4:30am, and I’m determined to enjoy the day before it gets too hot.
I’m presently sitting in the shade of a circle of Gum trees and I can smell the eucalyptus. The leaves are heating up and the scent is so amazing. It makes me happy! Is it the eucalyptus or is it just me? Maybe both.
This is an off beat topic for me, the loneliness yet never alone feeling. I’m sure many understand this emotion. However, I never felt at peace with it, until now. I live a life that thrusts this complex emotion, or perhaps situation is a better way of categorizing it, on me regularly.
So, I live half-a-world away from my family or anyone who knows me even remotely well, and there are moments in this foreign land when I desperately, and what I really mean is that I’m in a total despondent fog, need to hear a familiar voice or someone who understands what I’m saying, literally, and there’s no one I can find. Even if I could reach that someone familiar far, far away, now I stop and wait for these feelings to pass instead of calling or emailing. This is mostly because I know I won’t reach anyone, or I never get a reply etc…, and what good does it do anyway? I generally never feel much better and it gets worse the next time, especially if I can’t make contact. Plus, those familiar friends and family either worry about me or perhaps even avoid me next time!! I hope the latter is just my insecurity talking! Ha!!
Well, I’ve been in this “situation” for a few weeks now and I finally found peace. I read a blurb online about loneliness from someone who lost a spouse. The loneliness felt was a transforming force. It was changing the person to a better version of herself. Wow! Never saw that one coming!
It finally struck me, me = gobsmacked, it was absolutely true! Nearly 20 years in battle and I could surrender finally. Why? Loneliness was there to transform me (albeit farrrrrrrrr too slowly, I mean come on!!! 20 years!!!!!) and was never my enemy. Here’s why: I’m stronger than I’ve ever been in my life. There aren’t many problems I can’t handle completely on my own – and with Grace; this, however, was a gift infertility gave to me; which is something else that brought loneliness my way. I don’t NEED anyone familiar, but it’s nice to have the option and, most importantly, I have learned how to let go of everything familiar and safe and to cry, and to be ok with that (humor goes a long way to assist with this one!)
The wall I was faced with, until now, was that I have children and a husband and so I’m never alone, but loneliness was my best friend. Now I see that my own joke is on me! Loneliness IS my best friend and has taught me well. So now I can say thank you loneliness for visiting me these past few weeks, oh and for the last 20 years. Ah, gratitude for that which is (was) absent, another lesson.
Back patted!! I’ve survived this lesson, and I look forward to future transformations that loneliness brings. Peace to you!
Keep on moving!!!!