This is an off beat topic for me, the loneliness yet never alone feeling. I’m sure many understand this emotion. However, I never felt at peace with it, until now. I live a life that thrusts this complex emotion, or perhaps situation is a better way of categorizing it, on me regularly.
So, I live half-a-world away from my family or anyone who knows me even remotely well, and there are moments in this foreign land when I desperately, and what I really mean is that I’m in a total despondent fog, need to hear a familiar voice or someone who understands what I’m saying, literally, and there’s no one I can find. Even if I could reach that someone familiar far, far away, now I stop and wait for these feelings to pass instead of calling or emailing. This is mostly because I know I won’t reach anyone, or I never get a reply etc…, and what good does it do anyway? I generally never feel much better and it gets worse the next time, especially if I can’t make contact. Plus, those familiar friends and family either worry about me or perhaps even avoid me next time!! I hope the latter is just my insecurity talking! Ha!!
Well, I’ve been in this “situation” for a few weeks now and I finally found peace. I read a blurb online about loneliness from someone who lost a spouse. The loneliness felt was a transforming force. It was changing the person to a better version of herself. Wow! Never saw that one coming!
It finally struck me, me = gobsmacked, it was absolutely true! Nearly 20 years in battle and I could surrender finally. Why? Loneliness was there to transform me (albeit farrrrrrrrr too slowly, I mean come on!!! 20 years!!!!!) and was never my enemy. Here’s why: I’m stronger than I’ve ever been in my life. There aren’t many problems I can’t handle completely on my own – and with Grace; this, however, was a gift infertility gave to me; which is something else that brought loneliness my way. I don’t NEED anyone familiar, but it’s nice to have the option and, most importantly, I have learned how to let go of everything familiar and safe and to cry, and to be ok with that (humor goes a long way to assist with this one!)
The wall I was faced with, until now, was that I have children and a husband and so I’m never alone, but loneliness was my best friend. Now I see that my own joke is on me! Loneliness IS my best friend and has taught me well. So now I can say thank you loneliness for visiting me these past few weeks, oh and for the last 20 years. Ah, gratitude for that which is (was) absent, another lesson.
Back patted!! I’ve survived this lesson, and I look forward to future transformations that loneliness brings. Peace to you!
Keep on moving!!!!